“The point is, you’re cool, dope, fresh, and smart-brained.” - Jason Mendoza
Here’s the deal (Seinfeld voice). People often ask me how they can help, which is so incredibly kind because LOOK AT US we need it, but I’m not always sure how to answer. Part of the problem is that if someone just says, “Hey, let me know if you need anything,” I’m never ever going to reach out and ask for something, mostly because I’m not ever going to remember who said that to us. The best offer of help is something specific that we don’t have to think about, that doesn’t require any extra work on our part, and that is hard to say no to. However, even with specific offers, what will often happen is this:
Someone: Hey, can I help you with [such and such]?
Me, out loud: Oh, no, we’re OK!
Me, in my head: OMG, you moron, you are not OK, stop turning down help!
I JUST HATE TO BE A BOTHER.
It has taken me a year and a half, but I’ve finally gotten to the point where I’m learning that people WANT to help, so if someone offers something that might be helpful, I now try to say yes (even if at first I might say, “Oh, no, you don’t have to go to any trouble.”).
I’ve also had a lot of time to really think about what has been most helpful throughout this whole thing, so I’ve compiled some ideas below. My hope is that people who want to help us (or others in situations like this) might find it useful. Maybe it’ll even help newly diagnosed people figure out how they too can ask for and accept the help they need.
HOWEVER. I’ve been putting off posting this because I’ve been concerned that someone might think of something they said or did and worry that it was wrong or not helpful and that is absolutely not my intention. So, please don’t be offended if you’ve done/haven’t done any of the following. No one in these situations knows exactly how to handle things, including the person with cancer. And, in fact, if I think back to how I handled situations in which my friends were going through tough and traumatic times, there are several cringeworthy things I did or said (or, more likely, DIDN’T do) that I wish I could erase from my memory forever. Part of being human is that we’re constantly learning so I’m just trying to share what I’ve learned so far, not make anyone feel bad.
Anyway, here are the things!
Ask questions: Try to make them specific. If you say “How are you?” I’m going to just say “fine” because I don’t know where to start, honestly. But if you ask something like, “How are your appointments going?” or “How are you feeling about X,” or “What did you hallucinate during your Benadryl nap today?” I might have a better answer.
I think sometimes people are afraid to ask specific questions about cancer stuff because a) it’ll remind me that I have cancer and b) they don’t want to pry or ask too personal a question. To this I say…I never forget I have cancer, trust me, and if you are a family member or close friend, I don’t consider asking questions to be prying. If I don’t want to answer something, I just…won’t.
If you’re really worried about it, it’s never a bad idea to start a conversation with, “Do you feel like talking about X right now?” or “How are your mentals?” I try to use the second question before I tell people bad news. I don’t know if it helps but makes me feel a little better about ruining their day, because I asked their permission.
Don’t send or bring food without talking to us first: There are foods I’m not able to eat and probably will never eat again, and receiving it as a gift is a major bummer, no matter what the intention. However, if you’re up for a challenge and kind enough to want to make us something that I might be able to eat, I’m happy to talk about it!
Caveat: Joe can eat anything, so if it’s just for him, please send it to him! (Related sidenote: if you’ve sent us food in the past, thank you, Joe deserves all the treats!)
Donate to The Baxenwald Fund: Look, I want to make it clear that I am not asking you to send us money right now. However, having cancer is expensive (which…rude, cancer) and I do know that this is one way people like to help, so if that is ever the case, that can be done here: Paypal (email: jenniferbaxla@gmail.com) or Venmo (@Baxlala).
Again, we are not asking for money specifically and I almost didn’t include this because it makes me feel weird. But I ran it by people I trust and they told me to stop being a ridiculous person and just do it (only they were nicer about it than that).
Any money/gift cards received will be used for basic necessities, medical bills, and moving/housing, unless you specify that you’d like us to spend it on something else, like adopting a dog or several dogs.
Donate to a legit cancer non-profit: I don’t care if it’s specific to my type of cancer or not, donating to any cancer research is helpful (except for Susan G. Komen, which is why I recommend doing your due diligence before sending your money to any organization).
If you’d like to donate to a legit org that has provided me with such wonderful care that the thought of leaving them makes me cry, the Seattle Cancer Care Alliance is a great place to start.
Donate to other non-profits I like: My favorite orgs are the ones who help animals (duh) or children, or literacy orgs or environmental orgs.
Again, I’m happy to offer suggestions: Gem City Kitties, Oak Tree Corner, Humane Education Coalition, Homeward Pet, PAWS, Seattle Audubon, Brukner Nature Center, SICSA, Page Ahead
Volunteer: As a former Volunteer Manager and volunteer myself, I will always suggest volunteering to anyone looking to help. It’s a great option for any of the above orgs if you don’t want to donate. Most organizations are always looking for dedicated, reliable volunteers who have a passion for the org’s mission.
Donate blood! I’m no longer able to donate blood, so I can’t help with the shortages that seem to be so prevalent now. I had to have a blood transfusion after my surgery, and may have to have one in the future if chemo is too mean to me, so I greatly appreciate all of you who donate on the regular!
Go to the doctor: Get screened for all the things, cancer or not. If something doesn’t feel right, keep pushing. Don’t make me worry about you, too!
Learn more about life as a cancer patient: Look, no one expects anyone to always say the right thing in any situation, let alone one as fraught with FEELS as cancer. But I’m going to link to a couple of resources that I have found most accurately reflect my feelings as someone with cancer. To me, it’s been so beneficial to have found a community of people who just GET IT but I think it might also be helpful to anyone who has someone with cancer in their lives.
The Cancer Patient on Instagram: This is my favorite resource for inappropriate/dark cancer memes, so if that’s not your jam, maybe skip this one.
Cancer for Breakfast podcast: A podcast by two people with cancer, and they’ve even done an entire episode about what to say/what not to say to someone with cancer (episode 12: Under the Bus).
This one is the most important, so I saved it for last:
Share your news: Good or bad, I still want to know what’s going on in your life. Please don’t ever feel like you have to hide things from me in case they upset me. I promise that I want to know what’s going on with the people in my life, whether you’re struggling or have good stuff to share!
Also, please know that I appreciate ANY AND ALL HELP. Whatever you do, whether it’s offering a kind word or thought or a joke on chemo days, or sending helpful or fun items, or showing an interest in how things are going, or offering to go birding me with (give poor Joe a break), please know it’s all very much appreciated. I have always had a hard time asking for and accepting help, and the past year and a half has been a big learning experience for me in that area. It’s also been very humbling to see how many wonderful people we have in our lives who are willing to help us during what has been such a difficult and depressing experience. I often feel like I’m never able to adequately express just how thankful I am and I know I’ll never be able to repay all the kindness we’ve received. But I’m gonna try to pay it forward.
Parts of this are cross-posted and forever available here: Ways to Help.