There's such a lot of world to see.

“The blues are because you're getting fat and maybe it's been raining too long, you're just sad that's all. The mean reds are horrible. Suddenly you're afraid and you don't know what you're afraid of.” - Holly Golightly, Breakfast at Tiffany’s

Some days, I can only see what I’ve lost. Navigating everyday life is now a minefield. I never know what’s going to set off the negative emotions that seem to be always simmering, right under the surface. The feelings that have been around since last August and that came rushing back in full force two months ago, when I learned the cancer was back. 

Basically, every single day, a not-insignificant amount of my energy is spent fighting off the mean reds. Every day is a new exercise in not giving in to self-pity and FOMO feelings. And like all exercise, it takes energy. It takes effort. It takes even just the tiniest bit of motivation, especially on days when motivation seems impossible. But, like all exercise, doing it makes you stronger, just a little, every time.  

Most days are fine, really. Sure, I wake up some mornings feeling like immediately going back to sleep, but that’s true for everyone. Most of the time, I bebop through the day just fine because I can distract myself with work or an outside adventure or a good book or movie or the never-ending dopamine rush that is TikTok. 

The bad feelings sneak in during the quiet moments. The moments when I’ve allowed my brain to rest from distraction, so it has time to wallow in those bad feelings. The worst is when they strike from out of the blue, though. Something hits in just the right way to remind me of what I’ve lost. I see food someone has posted to social media. Someone in a movie is eating pizza. I see a post on Timehop from when I presented at a conference. All of that feels like a pipedream at this point. 

Though I know that feeling your feelings is both OK and important, I’m getting better at stopping this feelings spiral when it happens, or at least riding through it until it’s over. It helps to know that it WILL, in fact, be over at some point and, once it is, I’ll start to feel better. It’s just...it’s really hard. It’s constant. And it’s just life right now. 

Turns out, being told you have incurable cancer really messes with your mind. 

(Does that seem like the most obvious statement in the world?) 

(Of course it does.)

Anyway, it’s probably not surprising to hear that everything feels 100% harder right now. Things are hard in all the ways they were before I was told about the recurrence--I’m still getting used to a new way of speaking and eating and living--but now it’s compounded with the fear of not knowing how bad things are going to get or when it’s going to happen. It’s making it hard to focus on the good things that are still happening.

My family will be here soon (!!!) and a friend asked if I was excited about their upcoming visit. I said of course because...OF COURSE I’m excited to see my family. I haven’t seen them, in person, since Christmas of 2019. But I also told her I was a little afraid to be too excited. I don’t want to jinx anything. My family couldn’t come out for my surgery because only Joe was allowed in the hospital. They were supposed to come out when I started radiation, but then my parents got COVID. Once it was safe for them to travel again, they planned another trip, but that’s when COVID numbers were rising and, since my immune system still wasn’t back to normal, we postponed again. At that point, we decided to wait until we were all vaccinated AND for warmer weather, because if you’re going to visit Washington, you might as well come for perfect summer.

So, yes, I’m excited, but it’s cautious excitement. I’ve always been an optimistic person, but the past year and a half has beaten the shit out of me, so forgive me if my optimism is now tempered with a healthy dose of skepticism and a not-so-healthy chunk of the mean reds. In Breakfast at Tiffany’s, Holly beats the mean reds by jumping in a cab and going to Tiffany’s. That’s great for her, but it’s not really me, so I guess I’ll stick with what’s worked in the past: spending time in nature, goofing off with Joe, reading a good book, and, soon, hanging out with my family IN PERSON.