The one where Midsommar feels like a pick-me-up
Today is the second day of my cancer journey, but it still feels too much like real life. It’s weird. I keep forgetting anything is wrong, except my eyes are puffy from crying all day yesterday and I have medical paperwork sitting on my desk and, oh yeah, an overwhelming sense of dread surrounding everything I do.
Finding out you have cancer is kind of like…your whole life is totally normal, everything is the same, except The Hulk keeps jumping in front of you to scream “CANCER” in your face every few minutes. It’s exhausting.
I’m really trying to focus on taking it one day at a time. Yesterday, I made an appointment with one doctor. Today, my goals are to schedule a consult with the another doctor, so I have two options. Other things I need to do today:
Take care of this crazy foster puppy.
Eat a well-balanced lunch and dinner. I don’t think I’ve been eating enough. Because I had a biopsy in my mouth and also my stomach keeps churning.
Calm. Down.
There. That’s it. That’s doable, right?
I’m just so...distracted. I cried a bit ago, but not the heavy sobbing like yesterday. Just like...a release valve, I guess. I just needed to get it out so it wasn’t about to overflow anymore.
My emotions have still been all over the place. Or, like, they’re just in one place, really, which is on the verge of tears at all times. Here are things that set me off today:
Joe told his parents
I thought about telling my friends and the rest of my family
Joe was sad
The foster dog got in my lap
I saw a fledgling bird
I heard the ravens
I got to take a walk on a secluded, wooded boardwalk (which turned out to be exactly what I needed)
...just, like...everything and nothing
If I let myself, I feel like I could really lose it. Like, I want to yell and punch and throw things and, mostly? I really want to just Midsommar scream for hours but I think the neighbors would be mad.
