One week down
“Good news!” I told Joe last night, as I sat on the side of the sofa, rubbing my chest in an attempt to rid myself of the worst heartburn I’ve ever experienced. “I think I’m cured! I don’t think I need any more radiation or chemo…it’s a miracle!”
Wishful thinking, I know. I still have over a month left, but at least the first week is over. Thank god. I wasn’t sure what to expect this week but it’s been rough. The radiation hasn’t caused too many side effects yet. Mostly annoying things like slight discomfort where it hits on my neck, and extreme cotton mouth. The chemo, on the other hand, was a bit more hardcore. I’m really glad I only have two more rounds of that. It took a lot more out of me than I was anticipating.
The chemo seems so innocuous as you’re receiving it. I mean, so does the radiation. For radiation, I just lie on a table with a weird mask and mouth guard while a machine twirls around me, beeping incessantly. The radiation is more of a mental game. I can already feel myself resisting the idea of going back. Sure, all I do is lie there, but the entire time, I just keep thinking about what is being shot into my body, and the side effects I may experience in the coming weeks.
The chemo, on the other hand…oof. I don’t know why I was thinking it wouldn’t really affect me much. More wishful thinking, maybe? I mean, they gave me a long list of potential side effects, along with a prescription for four different anti-nausea drugs, and the nurse administering it put on extra PPE before injecting it into my veins, while also warning me to tell her IMMEDIATELY if my skin started burning, as that could mean the chemo was leaking out of my vein. COOL.
Other than that, the chemo appointment wasn’t bad at all, other than being very long. They took us to a private room, I got to lounge in bed and watch TV or read or mindlessly stare at my phone, which is likely what I would have been doing at home. My nurse was incredibly kind, and when she found out where I worked, she told me about the injured bird she’d brought to us, along with her favorite backyard birds. Then I tried to talk her into volunteering in the wildlife center’s baby bird nursery, because once a volunteer manager, always a volunteer manager.
The chemo itself only takes about an hour or so to administer, but because of the horrible side effects it can cause, the first two and half hours of my visit were spent getting extra hydration, anti-nausea meds, and other support drugs that would hopefully cut down on side effects. After the chemo? They administer even MORE fluids, which means I had to get up to pee approximately 500 times during the entire appointment.
I also came home with all sorts of new bruises. Apparently my veins didn’t want to cooperate, which isn’t the first time. The nurse informed me that my veins really want to bleed, but they don’t want to let anyone in (I’d prefer not to get into how similar this is to my personality at this moment, thank you). She also said my veins were very sensitive because one of the medications caused enough of a burning sensation that they had to stop and start over in a new vein (hence all the bruising). Stupid veins.
The actual day of chemo wasn’t that bad, but the next day was a real pain in the ass. We struggled to get my nausea under control. And then the heartburn started. Now, I know that doesn’t seem like it would be THAT terrible, but it was bad enough that, especially combined with the nausea, I didn’t really want to eat. Not eating is a big no no. I’m supposed to be eating all the time AND THEN SOME and they’re closely monitoring my weight so I don’t lose too much. The heartburn, we found out, was likely from one of the medications they gave me, so we’re hopefully going to have that under control for the next round.
Meanwhile, I still had radiation every day. This process is made easier since it’s somewhat short, and the radiation nurses and techs are GENUINE ANGELS and some of the kindest people I’ve ever met. Also! Joe is getting a bit of a break a couple of days a week, and I get to hang out with my radiation buddy, Lauren, who kindly offered to ferry me to some of my appointments. Also also? My parents will be here next week and, though I know this will turn me into a weepy mess for likely the entire time they’re here, I know the benefits to my mental health will be well worth all the tears.
I’m not sure if it’s because it’s the first week or because I’m so exhausted from side effects or just so exhausted from the last few months in general that my emotions have been very close to the surface. If anyone even asks how I’m doing to starts to express any sympathy, I can feel the tears. I feel terrible for Joe this week, as he’s found me in various states of upset that I can’t explain, which means I have no easy answer for what will make it better. I know it’s all part of the process, but you guys, it suuuuuuuuucks.
Still. I’m hopeful that next week will be better. And if it’s not, it’s OK, because this entire process is temporary. I know I’ll feel better eventually, even if it’s not quite yet.